“You’re operating out of your male essence,” my friend Jomar told me. Jomar is a life and career coach. I thought we were going to talk about my blog strategy, but here we were talking about my love life and I didn’t know whether or not to be offended by his statement. What the heck is the male essence? I thought.
Just prior to that bold assessment, Jomar had asked me what I wanted in life. My initial answer was general and ability-based (blog full-time, have financial security, stability), so he asked me a few more times until I got down to brass tacks. I want to be a writer, a wife, and a mom. Since I can’t control the latter, I just figured we’d focus on the career-related stuff.
But he wanted to press into that uncomfortable space of love. He asked for my permission to “turn up the flame” and here we were talking about fully embodying what it means to be a woman. I may have been sweating a little bit.
It turns out there’s a polarity in all of us. Both men and women have a mix of feminine and masculine qualities that define who we are. Male energy is protective, logical, analytical, grounded in reason, and action-oriented. Female energy is nurturing, emotional, intuitive, perceptive, calm, empathetic, and compassionate.
This is not the difference between men and women, instead, these are the energies present and delicately balanced inside each of us. When we’re leaning too much to one side, things can feel off-kilter.
Jomar continued, “The male essence is mission and purpose. The female essence is love and connection. By constantly focusing on your goals, stability, and financial security, you’re operating out of your male essence. Women in their essence embody love. They’re light, relaxed, playful, curious, fun and joyful.
When you animate your femininity, you will feel radiant, beautiful, and aligned with your true self. Think of the ocean and how it moves in a powerful, choreographed way. Get to know your feminine side again.”
“What does that even look like?” I asked. And googled.
“Go for a massage, laugh, joke, meditate, dance, get creative. Find that beautiful, confident side of yourself again, and you’ll radiate that energy wherever you go.” In fact, that was my homework, to sit in my feminine.
I took my assignment very seriously, kicking things off with a facial reflexology class (taught by my fave holistic esthetician at Osea on Abbot Kinney where I learned about holistic skin care and how to use the yin/yang facial roller. A few days later I took a yoga class.
The following day, I resisted the kicks and screams from my inner introvert and attended a networking event at Fig + Olive at which I learned some new things, had some great food, and happily chatted with nearly everyone in the room.
On Friday, I went out with some girlfriend’s in Venice and spent the night laughing to the point of tears, meeting new people, petting puppies and playing ping-pong. That week I got asked out twice. Jomar was onto something.
Since then, I’ve paid a lot of attention to embracing my feminine essence, as cheesy and new-agey as that sounds. Here’s a few ways you can tap into yours.
I’ve done this in two ways: therapy and meditation.
Truth be told, I started therapy when I was going through a break-up and wanted to process everything in a healthy way. I stayed in therapy because the more I shared about my relationships with others, the more I learned about my relationship with myself.
Knowing yourself is so important. It can be so freeing to identify self-limiting behaviors and thought processes and to remove barriers to love that you didn’t even know you had.
Meditation is something I resisted for a long time. Just like therapy, it’s something you may not see the benefits of right away. Over time though, as you continue to show up, you get better at sitting in that quiet space. Even if it’s for two minutes, I invite God in and do my best to just quiet my mind.
I’ve also found guided mediation particularly helpful as it teaches me to be patient when I’m interrupted by my thoughts and helps me to focus on my breathing. That breathing, by the way, is the key to being grounded in my feminine essence.
This is a fun one, something I didn’t even realize my body’s been craving. First of all, can we just take a minute to acknowledge the fact that the female body is a beautiful thing? It’s so easy to get caught up in our imperfections, signs of aging, or negative self-talk. What if we change that script and do things that make us appreciate our body more?
Look in the mirror and speak good things about your self out loud, maybe thank your body for all the things it allows you to do. Get active. Get on TikTok and learn a dance. Dress in something slightly sexier than you normally would, even if it’s underneath your outfit.
Commit to taking a pilates or barre class each week. Try that red lipstick. Get a massage. If you’re weird like me, play basketball. Wake up and stretch. Go swimming. Do things that take you out of your head and make you fully present.
When is the last time you let the right side of your brain lead? The artsy, creative, intuitive side? I love that the world we live in makes it possible for all of us to be artists. Spend time tapping into your creative energy, whatever makes you feel in flow with yourself.
Brainstorm a book plot, create a vision board, learn to play the piano, invent a product to sell, or experiment with make-up to give yourself a new look. Just create for the sake of creating.
Do the things that make you feel happy, relaxed, and playful. Jump in the ocean. Take a spontaneous drive up the coast. Go to a movie by yourself. Make sure you have one day a week that you’re off. Get connected with yourself again. What makes you light up? Feel most like yourself? Truly feel joy? Do more of that as often as you can.
By getting in touch with and prioritizing your femininity, you are rebalancing your nature. You will see and feel the difference in yourself, and that will translate to the world around you. Also, according to Jomar, if you’re single you will probably be taken off the market very soon…
He wanted to press into that uncomfortable space of love. He asked for my permission to “turn up the flame” and here we were talking about fully embodying what it means to be a woman. I may have been sweating a little bit.